he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Randomize
