i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
