Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
