I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
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