I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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