he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Randomize
