he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
