My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Randomize
