I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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