they need to just BURY HIM!
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Randomize
