After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
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