Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
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