hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
