I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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