woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Randomize
