I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
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