I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
