Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Randomize
