So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
