The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
