im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
