i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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