it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
