i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Randomize
