I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of j�ger and an empty bed here Friday.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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