On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
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