Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
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