Have you finally orgasmed yet?
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
