I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
Randomize
