I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I accidentally burped into my bong.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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