I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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