My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
