this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize
