My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
