i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
