Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Randomize
