Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
