It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
