We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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