I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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