and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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