can we get nightvision for the apartment?
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
why do cheetos always look like penises
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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