Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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