Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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