I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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