What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
The Olympian is in my bed
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
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