best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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