I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
