you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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