I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Randomize
