I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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