You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
