just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
